How to support someone questioning their gender identity
Written by Che’ Watson, Diversity & Inclusion Coordinator
Why is it so important to support someone questioning their gender identity?
Because transgender and non-binary people who are recognised and affirmed in their identities are more likely to have better mental health outcomes.
In being there for someone who is questioning their gender identity, you will also help meet their Emotional Needs for Security, Status, Community and Emotional Connection. Find out more about Emotional Needs here.)
Here are five tips for how you can support someone questioning their gender identity:
There’s no script
The journey of gender identity is unique to the individual. There is no right or wrong way to explore gender and allowing them to lead their journey is very important.
Let them come to you
If you think someone might be questioning their gender, let them come to you. This helps to prevent them from being questioned or pressured by those around them, and it gives them the opportunity to truly talk to you about their gender identity if and when they want to.
Appreciate their trust
Saying “thank you for telling me” can go a long way for someone who has decided to open up and share their journey with you. By showing you appreciate their trust in you, you can help them feel more comfortable to talk to you in the future.
Educate yourself
If someone tells you they are questioning their gender, do not overload them with questions. Instead, after the conversation, spend time educating yourself, particularly if they mentioned terms you are not familiar with.
Ask them what they need
If they do tell you, ask them how they would like to be addressed from now on. It may be that they have chosen a different name, or different gender pronouns (such as he/him, she/her, they/them). You can also ask if they want support sharing their journey with others.
To find out more about how Suffolk Mind can help you and those around you, take a look at our LGBT+ Mental Health page.
Author: Beren Reid
LGBT+ allies and how you can be one
Written by Jess Hughes and Beren Reid
In this post, we cover the topic of LGBT+ allies and how you can be one.
Being an ally to the LGBT+ community is simple. If you agree in equality and fair treatment of people in society who identify as LGBT+, then you already support allyship!
An LGBT+ ally is a heterosexual and/or cisgender (someone whose gender identity corresponds with their birth sex) person who supports and accepts civil rights, gender equality and LGBT+ social movements.
They also actively challenge acts which they perceive as being non-inclusive, such as homophobic, biphobic, and transphobic abuse.
Why is being an ally important?
Promoting and encouraging allyship of the LGBT+ community is important for everyone, as it works to make society more inclusive, open, tolerant and loving to all. And who wouldn’t want that?
Supporting those around us is key to maintaining our mental health, and that of the people we care about.
In being there for others and showing that we support them, we help meet Emotional Needs for Security, Status, Community and Emotional Connection.
(Find out more about Emotional Needs here.)
If you would like to be an active and effective ally, here are a few ways to get started.
Support your LGBT+ friends, family and colleagues
Be there for your friends who identify as LGBT+, supporting them when they need you, actively engaging in and supporting their life. Stand with and show your support for the people you work alongside, whether it’s helping with an LGBT+ work event or wearing the rainbow badge showing that you are an ally to the LGBT+ community and are happy to chat.
Be conscious of your language
The language used to describe LGBT+ identities and issues can be complex and evolutionary, so keeping up to date with LBGT+ news is important. You might have training courses or events through work or your social life that you can attend which will help keep you up to date with changes in the language used by
LGBT+ people to identify themselves and others. Allyship is not about knowing it all and never making mistakes – it’s about our intentions and reactions.
Challenge non inclusivity
Whether its an outdated online form, a piece of workplace training which hasn’t been updated to be inclusive, or a conversation with your family in which terms are used that you know to be discriminatory – challenge it. It might be that people are not aware that they have made a mistake, and this could be a great opportunity for them to have a second go at getting things right. Being an active ally helps others to better understand LGBT+ people – but please only challenge when and where you feel safe to do so.
Learn more about Pride and Allyship
There’s lots to learn online about the origins of the Pride Movement, which will help you to understand the legacy of protest and the political struggle to get us where we are today with LGBT+ rights. Once you’ve learned about events such as the 1969 Stonewall uprising, keep your mind open to learning more – as we still have some way to go to reach total equality.
Accept that you might make mistakes
Allyship still rests on the principle that your experience and understanding is different to the LGBT+ people you support. If you make a mistake, someone might take you to one side to explain what you didn’t get right this time, and how you can get it right next time. Be open to feedback – it’ll help others know that they can be themselves around you and that you’re on their side.
In conclusion
Choosing to be an ally is a continual, intentional commitment to support all of those facing discrimination or disadvantage regardless of identity. These issues won’t disappear if all non-LGBT+ people back down or remain silent. Society will only change when people stand up for what they believe is fair and equitable.
By being an ally to LGBT+ people, you can be a little part of the positive movement in society both today and in the future.
To find out more about how Suffolk Mind can help you and those around you, take a look at our LGBT+ Mental Health page.
Author: Beren Reid
How to support someone when they come out
Written by Jess Rickarby, one of our co-facilitators
Coming out can be a stressful experience. In this blog, we share a coming out story from one of our team, and explore how you can support someone when they come out.
Unfortunately, sexual orientations or gender identities are not always accepted without prejudice or stigma.
Sometimes, we feel we cannot be ourselves around our friends or family, let alone introduce a partner to them.
In an ideal world, there would be no raised eyebrows, no cutting comments – just a celebration and acceptance – how wonderful and rare that can be!
My coming out experience
I came out as lesbian when I was 13, although now would identify as pansexual. At an already difficult time for most teenagers, this was exaggerated by ignorance.
It soon spread through the school, and the common comments would be things like –
‘Ew, do you fancy me then?’ People did not realise that – much like straight people – finding someone attractive is down to more than just their gender.
When coming out to my parents, my dad particularly struggled, but I remember him sitting on my bed, and with a big gulp he said – “I love you no matter who you love, and only ever want you to be happy”.
I will always remember this, knowing my dad had contrasting feelings about the LGBT+ community. We now healthily debate each other’s views, which gives me a better understanding of his points, and him a deeper understanding of mine. Regardless of whether or not we see eye-to-eye on many things, we make sure that the debating space is open and free.
Seeing the world progress at the rate it has since I was a teenager, it seems to me like a much more comforting place to be yourself in. Even in the last 10 years, acceptance has grown substantially. You can be part of that change.
It doesn’t take much to support someone who has come out.
Why not talk to them about how they feel? It may be that they aren’t worried at all and just want to share, or on the other hand, they may feel confused and unsure.
Being open and reassuring will help both of you in the long run.
Some examples of helpful things to say:
– Thank you for telling me
– I love and accept you for who you are
– How do you feel about coming out?
– Tell me more about your experience so I can understand you better
– Are you seeing anyone and would you like me to meet them?
Some examples of unhelpful things to say:
– Are you sure it’s not just a phase?
– Why would you choose this life?
– Is there something I could have done differently?
– I was hoping for grandchildren
– Does that mean you won’t be getting married?
In conclusion
Everyone will have their individual experiences with sexuality, and there are still misconceptions and stigmas surrounding it.
It’s okay if you feel uncomfortable about someone you know coming out. This may make you reflect on your own upbringing and experiences.
But challenging negative thoughts and stigmas can slowly change general misconceptions, and will help you to better support the one you love.
To find out more about how Suffolk Mind can help you and your loved one, take a look at our LGBT+ Mental Health page.
Author: Beren Reid
Volunteers’ Week 2022: A Day in the Life of one of our Waves Volunteers
To celebrate our marvellous team this Volunteers’ Week, we’re sharing A Day in the Life of one of our volunteers.
We hear from Jane Buchanan, a volunteer with Waves – our innovative service for people with a diagnosis, or traits, of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Having been a Cruse Bereavement volunteer for six years, I knew Suffolk Mind and I was ready for a new challenge. Supporting our mental health is very important to me as it can be life-changing, including in my life.
I volunteer on a Wednesday for Ipswich Waves Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which is a year-long group programme. There are two Ipswich groups, where friendships and bonds are made, the group supports each other, there’s laughter and sometimes tears. It’s a privilege to be accepted as a volunteer, and from my first day the groups have been welcoming and open about their BPD.
No two days are the same. I arrive at 9.30am and after a warm welcome and catch-up, I’m briefed on the day. The group’s morning session is learning about BPD (each week it’s different), how and why we think and feel the way we do and what can be changed. There’s lots of lively discussion and interaction, then a break at 11am and I dash to Costa for a cappuccino before we restart and break for lunch at 12.30pm.
The afternoon session is a creative interpretation around the morning’s topic. We put out art materials and the group’s artwork is powerfully expressive and creative. I may be asked to spend some time on a one-to-one, which is an opportunity for private reflection.
We finish at around 3pm, then we discuss the day and importantly how we’re all feeling. I’m really supported and feel valued by Suffolk Mind. One day, it was suggested that I use my bereavement skills with a member who was stuck in grief. Our talks have hopefully helped her adjust and start to relearn the world without her much-loved grandmother.
Volunteering is so rewarding. From initial contact through to starting, the process has been straightforward, and everyone is positive and responsive. I can highly-recommend Suffolk Mind for learning about proactive steps in our mental health, the group’s life experiences and their stories, and being able to offer support. It’s fulfilling, and I leave at the end of the day already looking forward to next week.
If you’d like to join us as a volunteer, take a look at a list of our current opportunities here.
To find out more about our Waves service, please click here.
Author: Beren Reid
How gardening can grow a healthy mind
There are many different ways to support our mental health, so it’s important to explore what works for ourselves. To mark Mind’s Garden at the Chelsea Flower Show, Sarah Manton-Roseblade, GreenCare manager at Suffolk Mind, explains why having green fingers could help grow a healthy mind.
All gardeners will agree there are many benefits to getting your hands dirty in the garden or an allotment. It could be the accomplishment of seeing something flourish because of your hard work. Or it could be as simple as being outside and enjoying the fresh air. Gardening as part of community is a brilliant way to reduce feelings of loneliness too.
Many of us have become somewhat amateur gardeners during the pandemic as we spent more time at home – and subsequently noticed more weeds! It undoubtedly would have made us feel good, like we had achieved something, during difficult lockdowns. So, it’s something we should consider continuing for the physical and mental benefits.
To ensure we remain mentally healthy, we should try to meet our 12 physical and emotional needs. In fact, gardening can be an incredibly useful activity to meet some of them:
- Achievement – gardening is a great way to experience a sense of achievement. Whether it’s our own property or as part of a community allotment, being part of its growth is a brilliant accomplishment.
- Community – gardening doesn’t have to be done by ourselves. There are many gardening groups across the county, including our GreenCare project. They will help you connect with others and help reduce feelings of loneliness.
- Movement – from digging to planting seeds, gardening involves plenty of movement. But the great thing is, it can be done at our own pace. So, we can enjoy the benefits of physical activity in a relaxed way.
- Control – there are some things in life we cannot control, so it’s important to recognise what we can. While some things may not grow as we would hope, we can control what we do and don’t plant.
- Privacy – for those of us living in a busy household or with a full-on job, we may be missing out on valuable alone time. Gardening provides the perfect opportunity for periods of privacy, even if it’s a simple as watering the plants.
- Meaning and purpose – looking after a garden or allotment helps us meet our needs for meaning and purpose. Especially when part of a community allotment, working together to support growth helps meet this need.
Now is a great time to begin gardening, whether you’re new to the hobby or are returning to it. May is the beginning of sunflower season, so you can plant seeds directly in the ground. However, if you don’t have a garden or access to an allotment, you can make use of your windowsills. Things like salad leaves, pea shoots and herbs grow well by the window – and better yet, you can enhance your dinners with them once they’ve grown! So, you can use gardening to support your physical need for food, while enjoying the achievement of growing your own food.
Gardening is great way to improve your wellbeing and we recognise that at Suffolk Mind. Our GreenCare project includes allotments in Haverhill, Bury St Edmunds and Ipswich. They offer people the opportunity to learn about gardening and contribute to a thriving growing space as part of a group.
Our GreenCare service is ideal for people with mild to moderate depression, anxiety and other common mental health problems. It can also support people in recovery, those who want to build emotional resilience and those who want to prevent the onset of mental ill-health. To find out more, please visit our GreenCare page.
If you want to support our GreenCare support workers, please visit our page to donate.
Author: Ellie Winch
Goodnight, sweet dreams!
Are your children getting the right kinds of sleep for wellbeing?
Suffolk Mind are making 2022 the year for better sleep, and this includes our children and young people. Lots of children and young people find going to sleep or staying asleep challenging. We all need the right kinds of sleep to make sure we are able to meet our emotional needs to stay mentally well. There are two main kinds of sleep that are needed: Deep sleep, for rest and repair, and REM sleep, to discharge emotional arousal. REM stands for Rapid Eye Movement and is when most of our dreaming happens. We need both types of sleep in the right amounts to be well.
Here are some top tips to encourage good sleep:
Feeling CONTENT
Making sure our bodies are well looked after means that we are also looking after our brains and mental health. Choosing balanced foods and drinks throughout the day can manage the way our brains respond to challenges, but also in the latter part of the day, ensure that we are ready for sleep. Can a small bedtime drink, either a warm drink or water, be part of your bedtime routine? What signals the end of day’s food for your child? Is it fruit after dinner?
Movement throughout the day is vital for good rest. It allows us to burn off cortisol that comes when we feel stressed, and gives us endorphins, which come with feeling good, as well as making sure that the blood is pumping round our bodies, making our heart and lungs work a bit harder so that we are ready for sleep. What other movement could you include in your day? You could try movement that allows for increase in heart rate earlier in the day as well as stretchy calm movement closer to bedtime that will lead the way to a restful sleep.
Making your bedtime routine include elements that set your child up for good sleep are vital for everyone’s restful evenings! Making sure the bedroom is calm and quiet, introducing a predictable and consistent ‘wind down’ routine such as wash, teeth, book, bed can signal to your child that sleep time is coming. Making sleep a happy and safe state to enter into is also important, so whilst it can sometimes be frustrating that children always want to drag out bedtime just that little bit longer, finding the right balance between having firm boundaries and making sure the child feels safe and loved and ready to sleep is worth it for long-term mental health.
Feeling CALM and in CONTROL
After exciting after-school activities or screen time, make time to process thoughts before bedtime. Drawing or Lego can work well. Have choices within your usual routine- would you like to read to me, or shall I read to you tonight? Have boundaries for bedtime routines so children know what to expect- time for being clean, winding down and feeling ready for sleep. Set up predictable patterns that have an element of choice- would you like music or audiobooks to listen to? Would you like calming spray on your pillow or bed cover?
Feeling CONNECTED
Bedtime is often the time which children decided to process their day, and you may find that this is the time that they ask lots of questions or have lots to say, just as you are about to turn off the light. If your child is in need of this talk time, schedule it in for earlier in the routine. Can you have a chat whilst getting clothes ready for the next day or in the bath? Take time to talk about your day, read or tell stories together, nurture the secure relationship so that sleep feels safe and happy. Your child will also meet their need for emotional connection and attention through this exchange and be more ready to fall asleep when it is time.
Feeling that I CAN
Involve your child in making their bedtime routine. What is it that makes them feel safe and secure? What things can they do independently, and which do they need or want some help with to feel settled? Do they understand why going to sleep at the right time is important? Can they draw or make a ticklist of their bedtime routine that can be used every day so that they have a predictable and consistent way of being independent?
Written by Louise Harris, Children and Young People’s Lead
Author: Ellie Winch
Stress, sleep and current affairs
Distressing news can be a source of worry and concern. Our emotional needs for security and control can be impacted by these situations.
The more we worry and over-use our imagination to catastrophise about the future, the more likely it is that our sleep will be affected. Our brains use dream sleep (REM) to clear out the emotional charges of the day, so the more that worries, angers or stresses us, the more dreaming needs to be done. This can leave us feeling more tired the next day because as we dream more, we get less deep regenerative sleep.
Our staff have been supporting more people recently who are worried by events in the news. To them, and the general population, we are suggesting the following steps:
· If you can, donate items to an organised collection and engage with local Suffolk refugee organisations supporting Ukrainians. These kinds of practical actions can connect us with meaningful efforts to bring about change for the better, giving us meaning and purpose.
· Accept that there are things we cannot control by making a list of things you can control, like where you’re going to go for a walk today, what time you’ll make yourself something to eat, what colour socks you’re going to wear, and so on. Then, throughout the day, focus attention on the list of those things you can control.
· Avoid doom-scrolling, which is the term psychologists use when we look for updates and find ourselves in a cycle of negative news stories, impacting our need for security. This keeps the ‘fight-or-flight’ response switched on and our brain looking out for more signs of danger. This can keep us in a constant state of worry, which can then tip us into anxiety and depression.
· Protect yourself by limiting the time spent on the news to ten minutes a day. This can enable you to gain some control over the situation.
· After reading or watching a negative news story, take the time to do something relaxing, like breathing exercises or going for a walk in the park, or reading some fiction. Movement burns off the stress hormone, cortisol, which can in turn help us achieve better quality sleep.
· Practice kind-scrolling by searching for positive news stories which give us a more optimistic view of the world.
Author: Ellie Winch
Give yourself time in January…
At a time when we are all feeling weary and exhausted from a challenging 2020 and 2021, January is a good time to reset, meet needs and take care of ourselves. Emotional Needs and Resources trainer Penny Tyndale-Hardy explores how we can come out in spring feeling healthy, rested and well.
New Year, New You – this is the pressure that we often feel as the old year comes to an end. January brings an expectation that we will all charge out and set New Year’s resolutions, declutter, get fit and grab hold of our lives by the scruff of the neck.
Stop. Breathe. It is not necessary to leap into setting over-ambitious goals. For true wellbeing we want our lives to work in balance, at a manageable pace – where we are reflective and tuned into meeting our needs. Swinging wildly from excessive indulgence to excessive activity is not sustainable for wellbeing.
Instead, let January be a time of reflection. We want to meet our needs in balance and the Christmas period can be a bit unbalancing even without a pandemic to swing the scales further. What we need now is to recentre ourselves and come at things with consideration and a clear head.
So how do we start? January is a really great time to reflect and check in with yourselves with an Emotional Needs Audit – what needs are being met well right now and what might you want to look at doing differently? Spending time considering this can give great insight into where the balance is at the moment and where your priorities for wellbeing are.
With the holiday expectations behind us we have more autonomy and control over what we choose to do – but many of us are returning to work which can feel a bit dismal. January is still a dark, cold month and our energy levels will be lower at this time of year. Take control by looking at ways of building in enrichment and nurturing time and getting back into healthy routines that meet your needs.
Reflect on how you are using your attention capacity. As we move away from what can be a very sociable time, we may have been giving and receiving more attention than usual. Think now about how to direct our attention in ways that balance and ground us.
The unusual activities over Christmas can often reveal imbalances in our everyday lives – some of us have thrived on all the extra activity and are feeling its loss – or maybe Christmas has been a lonely time that has made you feel more cut off. If so, are there ways to engage in a community by picking up a new hobby or revisiting old ones? Or perhaps it’s a relief to have a bit of space and time back – in this case, notice the space you now have and find time to build in privacy and reflection into your everyday life.
Now is a really useful time to bring our thoughts back to basics and how we meet our physical needs. Overindulgence is better countered by building balance back into our habits. Taking regular movement – whatever it is – will help us relax more easily and lift our mood. Noticing and prioritising our sleep as we move back into a routine can help us feel more refreshed and able to face each day.
In a time of reflection, it is appropriate to consider the year ahead and think about things you may want to achieve. Meeting our need for achievement helps us feel stretched and challenged and definitely keeps us feeling mentally strong. But setting over-ambitious targets usually ends in disappointment and feeling a lack of achievement. If you want to set goals – and these can be very helpful – make sure they are positive, achievable and consider how they will create balance and purpose in your life.
In short, January is a time to give yourself breathing space, especially after the challenges of 2021 and not being certain of what 2022 will bring. There is a whole year ahead of you and if you stay focused on meeting your needs in balance and giving yourself time and space to achieve your goals you will emerge into the spring feeling energised, positive and ready for anything.
Author: Ellie Winch
Supporting you through the festive period
For some, Christmas may be filled with much excitement, but for others, Christmas can be a stressful time, prompting them to seek help with stress, anxiety, depression and other difficult feelings. Our Head of Education at Suffolk Mind, Ezra Hewing provides you with this advice to help you better cope with the festive period.
Christmas is a time of year when you can get key emotional needs met – spending time with people we care about is great for our needs for emotional connection and attention. However, not everyone feels the same way and may be lacking in needs like privacy, time for yourself and control over the festive period.
It can be easy to feel overwhelmed, so here are five tips to help you during Christmas.
- We may feel as though we must go out to every Christmas event that people invite us to which can sometimes be overwhelming. So instead have a think about the relationships that are the healthiest and which mean the most to you (don’t ever share that list with anyone by the way) and choose which events you really feel able to go to.
- It can be very busy if you’re hosting guests, getting caught up in the rush of things, cooking, wrapping presents…. the list goes on. Why not book some time in for just you, to meet your need for privacy? Be free from distractions too – people, your mobile phone and dare I say it, Christmas songs. This will help you to calm down and relax during the festive season.
- Surviving the new year sales – advertisers are very skilled at getting us to spend money that we don’t have on things that we don’t need. Before you spend money that will leave you without during January and possibly February too – ask yourself do you really need this? This will help with your need for control once the Christmas period is over.
- It’s easy to find ourselves slumped in front of the screen, stuffed with food, finding it difficult to move and beginning to feel a little lethargic and low in mood. Book a time with yourself every day, and perhaps with other people too, to wrap up warm and go out for a walk, to lift your mood and get moving again. Moving is so important for good mental wellbeing.
- Meaning and purpose is an incredibly important emotional need. One way of getting meaning and purpose is for doing things for other people. Perhaps you could give away things you don’t need after Christmas to charities and those who are less advantaged or maybe you’ll get involved in volunteering. Suffolk Mind has a number of volunteering opportunities you can get involved in, click here for more details.
Author: Ellie Winch
Spring into action – things to look out for whilst covering your 100 miles for Suffolk Mind challenge
Spring into action as the weather gets better and join our 100 Miles for Suffolk Mind challenge. Why not look out for all the budding flowers and changes in trees whilst you’re out in your trainers, on your bikes or skates? Our gardening expert and GreenCare Manager, Sarah has written a blog detailing what you should look out for during this time of year.
Spring walks are a pleasure in so many ways, the anticipation in the air of what is to come and the changes that are noticeable almost daily are what makes them special.
Joining the aconites and snowdrops that we’ve seen open in recent weeks are the daffodils – the length of time they are around always amazes me, with some varieties flowering towards the end of February and others coming out in April.
If you are lucky you might see crocuses coming up in front gardens or on the edges of parks, and the green growth of tulips starting to push upwards. Their bright colours are something to look forward to as spring takes hold and the weather warms up.
Alongside the flowers the most noticeable changes are in the trees, as their flower buds open and they start to come in to leaf. Although the bare branches of winter trees have their own beauty it is the signs of spring on the trees that I enjoy most. There are already catkins visible on Hazel trees and the honeysuckle leaves have started to grow again. It is the leaves on willow trees that come out first, followed by alder, field maple and silver birch. While the buds burst on Ash, Rowan, Beech and Oak.
Later in the spring look for grape hyacinths, bluebells, violets and primroses coming up in gardens and watch the blossoms of blackthorn and crab apple come out while the leaves grow and fully form on all the trees around.
Going for a walk gives me the opportunity to connect to nature and look for daily changes in the gardens and trees that I pass. I can also get the privacy I need at the moment and a great sense of achievement when I get home, however long or short it has been.
Author: Ellie Winch
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