Seven tips for good conversations with your children

Most of us worry about our children, particularly when they are teenagers – feeling it is difficult to find out about any worries they may have and how we can support them.

It’s a balancing act between involving yourself in their lives while respecting their boundaries, their privacy and making sure they meet their need for control.

The ability to build rapport is an innate resource we all have – something that allows us to connect and empathise with other people – and is a useful tool when talking to our children.

Here, Suzanne Harris, Children’ Families and Young People’s Facilitator at Suffolk Mind, gives us some useful tips on how to build rapport.

Let them know you care

Having rapport in conversation is like warming up and stretching before you exercise.

Building rapport is a way to break the ice, to create a comfortable and accepting environment for your children. By taking the time to build rapport, you help them to open up about their lives and share any worries they may have and give them time and space to consider their options rather than trying to problem solve.

It helps to break down barriers to conversation and to show you are there to support them through whatever is troubling them.

If you are talking to your children, particularly teenagers, it is about showing them you are there for them and letting them know you care, without intruding on their lives.

You could try saying you have noticed they look anxious or overwhelmed, that you care about them and ask if there’s anything you can do to help.

Find a time where you are both feeling relaxed to talk, and if they are not ready, let them know that you are open to having a chat when they are.

It’s about creating that comfortable space for conversation.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

If you notice your child is anxious about something, it is best to choose a good time to talk to them about it and to pick your battles.

When building rapport with them, it is often a good idea not to scrutinise and get onto them about the little things.

Their room may be a little messy and they may have been neglecting jobs you’ve asked them to do around the house, but if they are worried about something this may be a consequence of that anxiety.

Choosing a calm and comfortable time to speak to them is important to create that suitable environment for them to open up.

Reflective Listening

Reflective Listening is an important part of building Rapport.

It involves feeding back what the speaker has said to show we have listened and to check our understanding.

Absorb what they are saying and say it back to them so they know you are on the same wavelength – it can really help to show you are listening and that you understand their point of view. You can also try summing up what they have said, to show you are following their train of thought.

If you are not paying attention to what they are saying, or look like you are distracted, they will feel you do not care about their concerns.

Suffolk Mind has produced a useful video on how to practise reflective listening to help you develop this useful skill.

Sitting side by side

When talking about your feelings, it can be difficult to do so when face-to-face with someone.

Often, sitting side-by-side can help build that comfortable space to allow them to share how they are feeling.

When you open up and talk about your deepest feelings with someone looking directly at you, it can feel a bit like you are being interviewed or under scrutiny.

Sitting side-by-side gives you the space to open up without the tension that full eye contact can often bring.

Car journeys, or sitting on the same sofa can often be helpful.

Open questions

Most parents of teenagers will know what happens when you ask them “how was your day” – “alright, I guess” is often the answer.

If you are talking to your child about what they have been up to, it is best to ask open questions to avoid one word answers and to show you are genuinely interested.

Instead of “how was your day”, ask “what made you laugh at school today?” or “who did you talk with at lunchtime?”.

These more open questions will help open up a conversation and build rapport.

Respect their privacy and decision making

For teenagers, it is important you respect their privacy and their ability to make their own decisions.

They are finding their way in the world, all while living under your roof and rules, so can feel their emotional need for Privacy and Control are affected.

With teenagers, avoid giving advice. Instead, think about giving suggestions.

Rather than “you should do this”, try “what has worked before?’.

Teenagers want to feel in control of their lives, and this can help them feel they are still in charge of their decision making.

It takes time

Building rapport doesn’t happen overnight – you won’t build that connection straight away, it will take time.

You will get days when your children are happy and open to talk, and other days they won’t be, but that’s ok.

There will be times when they will feel stressed – around exams or other struggles – but that’s perfectly natural. It’s ok for them to not be ok sometimes.

The important thing is they know you are there for them if they need you, that you are a long-term advocate, and that if they don’t want to talk today, you will be there for them tomorrow.

Find out more on building rapport.